How to Stop Toddler Tantrums…Before They Start
Being able to calm tantrums in seconds will make you feel great, but you’ll feel like the best, smartest, and happiest parent ever when you can stop the tantrums before they happen! With these tips, you’ll be ready to join the thousands of parents who have eliminated 50 to 90 percent of their young child’s tantrums in less than a week. Just follow these four key steps…
Step 1: Avoid Problem Situations
Nobody knows your toddler better than you. So, I bet you already have a pretty good idea of which situations throw them for a loop. The trick is to think ahead and be prepared. That might mean keeping snacks on hand if your tot is prone to “hangry” outbursts or preparing your child in advance for a change in routine. (See the 8 most common tantrum triggers here).
Step 2: Connect with Respect…All Day Long
Don’t just use your good communication skills to handle emotional explosions. Try to use the Fast-Food Rule (repeating back what your toddler said before offering your own input) and Toddler-ese (mimicking your toddler’s speaking style using short phrases, repetition, and mirroring about one-third of their emotion) dozens of times a day. Use them even when you’re just dealing with a minor upset or a small request. For example, when your 18-month-old asks for juice, smile and narrate back his desire in a cheery voice, “You say, juice-y! You love your juice-y, mmm! Okay, sweetheart, here’s your juice.”
Help your child learn by your example as you use the Fast-Food Rule with others (other children, your partner…even your child’s stuffed animals!). And comment to him about the feelings of people you see in magazines or in public. (“Honey, look how that man is whistling and happy! What do you think he is so happy about?”)
Sure, all this takes a few extra seconds, but it pays off in ways big and small. Besides, your good communication will help your toddler learn how to talk and teach that loving people speak to each other with respect.
Step 3: Feed the Meter
Toddlers take—and take—and then they pressure us for more! They have short memories and forget the caring attention and fun play you just shared two hours before. (Remember, two hours feels like six to an impatient toddler.)
But they need frequent bits of our loving attention as much as flowers need water and sunshine. That’s why feeding the meter with green-light techniques—several times an hour—is such a powerful tool for preventing tantrums. Parents who feed the meter many times a day make their kids feel smart, strong, respected, and loved. And, when kids feel like winners, they instantly become more cooperative.
Some ways to feed the meter include:
- time-ins (like attention, play, praise, gossip, hand checks, stickers, hand stamps)
- confidence builders (like respectful listening, offering options, playing the boob)
- fun routines (like special time and bedtime sweet talk)
- planting seeds of kindness (like fairy tales, catching others being good, and role-play)
Can small steps like playing catch, being a boob, and little nightly massages really head off conflicts? Yes! Your toddler understands that the more play and attention you give him—and the more you build his confidence—the more cooperation he owes you.
But remember this key point: Your child’s idea of what’s fair is when he wins 90% of the time. So, if you let him feel smart and cared about oodles of times a day and let him get his way on many little “conflicts” you don’t really care about (like what socks to wear or what book to read first), he’ll give in much more (like eating a bite of vegetables or holding hands when you cross the street).
Step 4: Teach Patience
This fourth step, teaching patience, is critically important to preventing tantrums. Patience stretching and magic breathing help our little cave-kids strengthen their brains’ ability to control their primitive impulses. Children who learn to be patient just a little bit longer automatically become calmer and more reasonable. And that extra minute or two of your tot’s patient waiting is often just enough for you to finish the chore you’re working on (get off the phone, finish making dinner, etc.).
Practice patience-stretching several times a day (with older tots also do magic breathing once or twice a day). Within a week, you’ll be thrilled with your child’s growing ability to handle frustrations and delay his need for instant gratification. Each time your little friend patiently waits for something, reward his cooperation with a tiny time-in or some playing the boob so he knows his efforts are appreciated.
You can be sure that many people will give you many tips on handling temper tantrums. Of course, you’ll need to be strict with your children from time to time, but as you practice this advice, you’ll soon see that the best way to convert a wild child into a happy tot is not with threats and force, but with respect, encouragement, consistency, and play.
The time you spend with your children is the best, smartest investment you will ever make. All the generosity you give now will be repaid to you and your family and community a hundred times in the future. As your child grows up, you’ll avoid countless arguments, lies, struggles, and dangerous displays just because you made this investment of time and effort to learn how to give your child a loving, happy start to life.
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